Memory Triggers

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My father is on my mind today. He passed away unexpectedly in 2011. At the time, I was in the process of recording a music CD; I am a singer and had always wanted to do a CD of cover songs for my friends and family. I found a recording studio, picked the songs and off I went. It was a year or two into the family drama and doing the CD was part of finding myself again, although maybe even a distraction too. One of the songs I chose was Crystal Shawanda’s “You Can Let Go Now Daddy”. It’s a song about a father through the years and at the end he’s hanging onto life in the hospital until his daughter could get there – then she tells him, “You can let go now, daddy.”

As I write these words I am feeling that familiar lump in my throat – the one you get when you are holding back the tears. See, my father was alive when I started recording that CD. I chose that song because it always touched my heart, as I could never imagine losing my father. But half way through the recording process, my father died. I didn’t have to imagine anymore – I knew. I hadn’t recorded that song yet when he died and after, I just didn’t know if I could. I decided to dedicate the CD to my father and at that point I knew I had to record that song. I saved it for last and knew I would only make one attempt at it. The emotions overwhelmed me as I sang and at the point in the song where the daughter tells her father to let go for the last time, you can hear a crack in my voice. The recording technician asked if I wanted to do another take and I told him, “no” – the crack in my voice was real, it was raw, and I wanted to leave it in. It was what I didn’t get to say to my father, what I wish I could have said, but my father was in a medically-induced coma with no brain activity when I told him how much I loved him for the last time, just before we took him off life support.

So many things remind me of my father. I brought a couple copies of the CD into work for some coworkers which of course brought my father to the forefront of my mind. The CD is so representative of when I lost him – it’s an emotional trigger for sure. It used to be that almost everything reminded me of him but now it is only certain things. I know it sounds terrible but of all the people in my family, he was the one I wanted to lose the least. I feel a deep emptiness in my heart for my father. When everyone else had abandoned me, he was still there – and then he was taken from me.

I don’t know what the point of this post is, I guess I just needed to talk about my father…..

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15 thoughts on “Memory Triggers

  1. You needed to to share this and create some distance from the pain you are feeling and that is ok…Sometimes there isn’t really a point in what we post, but somehow it helps..You are still missing him and that is also ok, especially if like you said, everyone else abandoned you..I’m sorry for your pain!sending you hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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