My father is on my mind today. He passed away unexpectedly in 2011. At the time, I was in the process of recording a music CD; I am a singer and had always wanted to do a CD of cover songs for my friends and family. I found a recording studio, picked the songs and off I went. It was a year or two into the family drama and doing the CD was part of finding myself again, although maybe even a distraction too. One of the songs I chose was Crystal Shawanda’s “You Can Let Go Now Daddy”. It’s a song about a father through the years and at the end he’s hanging onto life in the hospital until his daughter could get there – then she tells him, “You can let go now, daddy.”
As I write these words I am feeling that familiar lump in my throat – the one you get when you are holding back the tears. See, my father was alive when I started recording that CD. I chose that song because it always touched my heart, as I could never imagine losing my father. But half way through the recording process, my father died. I didn’t have to imagine anymore – I knew. I hadn’t recorded that song yet when he died and after, I just didn’t know if I could. I decided to dedicate the CD to my father and at that point I knew I had to record that song. I saved it for last and knew I would only make one attempt at it. The emotions overwhelmed me as I sang and at the point in the song where the daughter tells her father to let go for the last time, you can hear a crack in my voice. The recording technician asked if I wanted to do another take and I told him, “no” – the crack in my voice was real, it was raw, and I wanted to leave it in. It was what I didn’t get to say to my father, what I wish I could have said, but my father was in a medically-induced coma with no brain activity when I told him how much I loved him for the last time, just before we took him off life support.
So many things remind me of my father. I brought a couple copies of the CD into work for some coworkers which of course brought my father to the forefront of my mind. The CD is so representative of when I lost him – it’s an emotional trigger for sure. It used to be that almost everything reminded me of him but now it is only certain things. I know it sounds terrible but of all the people in my family, he was the one I wanted to lose the least. I feel a deep emptiness in my heart for my father. When everyone else had abandoned me, he was still there – and then he was taken from me.
I don’t know what the point of this post is, I guess I just needed to talk about my father…..