I wrapped and shipped my son’s wedding gifts today (shipped to a friend so we didn’t have to take it on the plane). As I looked through the photo book I made for my son one last time, the tears started swell. I choked up not only because I miss the son who was in those photos but also because I felt sad that this is where we are at. His wedding, for me, is not the happy occasion it should be but rather one filled with anxiety, sadness and loss. I am being robbed, cheated, of the experience this should have been between mother and son. It can never be gotten back. He is my only blood child so I won’t have the same chance with another child.
I am a little less anxious now as things are coming together – gifts done, finding my dress done, etc. The problem is, once the anxiety starts to subside and errands are done, you start to feel the pain, the pain of the loss of the last few years, and of the possible losses still to come. I’m starting to actually feel a little numb. There’s still some anxiety but it’s almost as if it mixed with a little dash of dread now.
I asked my boss for one extra day off for this trip. I’ve realized that I may need a day at home after our return to deal with and process whatever happens over the wedding weekend. There is so much unknown as I head into it. My son still has not given me any actual details. I still don’t know my place at this wedding – will I be the wanted mother and be invited to join in or will I be treated only as a simple guest, there just to observe the occasion? Can you imagine just for a moment going to your child’s wedding and not knowing those things? How anxiety-inducing that is? What if I am treated as merely a guest – imagine how heart-crushing that will be?
I am aware that everything could turn out just fine and I am hopeful for that. I guess it’s just that the last 6 years have been hell and it’s hard to imagine that much has changed, especially with my family. I am more apt to believe that everyone will be fake and put on their fake smiles just for show. One thing’s for sure – when all is said and done, I will know where things stand. I can come home and begin to process it and heal and finally be able to move completely forward. This wedding is the last thing that will bring me and my whole family together. After it, I will walk away from everyone but my son – we will have to see where he and I go from there.