My nightly nightmares continue. They have gotten bad with the wedding coming up. The stress of it is causing my mind to go into overload and even though I’m not necessarily seeing it or feeling it, my mind and body are taking a big hit and trying to cope.
Last night, I dreamed that it was my father’s funeral all over again and all kinds of weird things happened that I don’t need to go into here but my dress got ruined and I had to go ask one of my sisters to help me find something else in my closet but everything I put on had holes in it. Then, the worst part – after the funeral, at the memorial, we were all outside and I saw my dad walking through the crowd towards me, completely alive – and I yelled “Dad, Dad!” and went running to him – but he just looked straight ahead and walked passed me. I turned to run after him but he was gone. I tried to see if anyone in my family saw him too but no one would listen to me; they kept telling me to just shut up. Then I woke up.
I can see all the psychological symbolism. My brain turned the wedding into a funeral – I understand why it did that, with the anxiety I am feeling about it and all. My dress – that rings true too. I’ve been trying to find one, just wanting to look nice so certain people have less to gossip about behind my back. And my dad – that part is because I wish he was here; I wish he was going to be at the wedding – he would be my rock. Him ignoring me and walking away from me in the dream – that could mean so many things and I don’t even want to think about that part; it hurts too much. And my family not listening to me? Well, that’s just normal, par for the course.
I hope these nightmares go away once the wedding is come and gone, once my brain has processed whatever will happen.