Today makes it exactly one month till my husband and I hop on a plane towards my semi-estranged sons’ wedding. The wedding is actually on October 3rd but the unimaginable trip starts a month from today. It’s hard to sort out my feelings – right now they run anywhere from happy, sad, irritated, frustrated, angry or hurt, depending on what any given moment sparks.
I’ve been anxious for a while now, at least a couple months. Now, that anxiety has turned more into trepidation. I’m finding myself more agitated lately. I’m agitated that my son has put me in such a position, to feel such anxiety at what should have been such a happy moment in our lives. I’m agitated that he walked away in the first place and how he has handled it since – stringing me along like dangling a carrot in front of a horse.
It’s been 6 months since I spoke to my son for the first time in 5 years; we spoke via Skype video chat for 3 hours. At the end of the call, he promised to stay in touch and it seemed that we had reconciled. The thing is, I walked away from that call almost knowing nothing would really change. I know my son, or at least I used to, and I could tell he would remain distant and he did. He has never called or asked to video chat again. I get sparse IM’s from him, usually just wishing me a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ or ‘Happy Birthday’. Our longest IM conversation was about a surgery he had coming up; I had to keep bugging him for updates after. When I told him I found a lump in my breast and would be getting a mammogram, he never checked back with me to see how it went. (It was benign thankfully). I have accepted that our relationship is not going to change – it will pretty much stay the way it had been for years. That’s why I call it a semi-reconciliation – the words were there but not the actions and actions speak volumes louder.
With his wedding, I thought since we had semi-reconciled that wedding information and details would be coming my way but they have not. I probably know less than most guests and I am the mother of the groom. I have asked multiple times for details, especially so we can plan the trip, but thus far – nothing. My son messaged that he would check with his fiance but never got back to me – that was 2 weeks ago. I asked his fiance for color options for my dress – she was very vague. I don’t know if there is a rehearsal dinner or if I am supposed to be there, or if there are any other wedding-related events. Honestly, with the lack of any info I am getting, it truly feels like they don’t actually want me there. Sometimes I feel like he only “reconciled” because he didn’t want to have to explain why his mother wasn’t at his wedding.
I feel robbed – cheated. I’ve already been robbed of so much in my life already and now I’m being robbed of the normal, wonderful mother/son wedding day experiences. One of my sisters is the contact for our side of the family – nice huh? The one who helped cause this whole mess! In fact, on the call 6 months ago, my son actually had the balls to ask me if I would cause drama at the wedding! I told him I let go of the family drama a long time ago but what I was thinking was – “you’re asking the wrong damn person!” If anyone brings drama, it will most certainly be my sisters.They will be sly about it for sure – won’t want my son to see it but they will get it in.
And so, a month to go, and the family nightmares continue every night. I’m waiting for this to all just be over so I can get back to a normal life, at least as normal as mine can get. It will be the last time I see my family, other than my son. From there, I finally move on.