Missing My Father

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It’s my father’s birthday today – he would have been 75 years old.  Remembering him and thinking about him instantly chokes me up, but I hold back the tears – I won’t let myself feel it. It’s been 4 years since we took him off life support and I still won’t let myself really feel it. I just can’t. I have kept it together for so long, even while feeling cheated over and over again. Honestly, I don’t know why I won’t let myself feel it. Perhaps I know the pain would be too great.

It’s a miracle that my father and I ended up with a close relationship after what he did to me as a child. Some relationships can be rebuilt if there is honesty, apology, change and forgiveness. My father changed so much over the years, for the better. He was the one that always supported me, even when I messed up. He believed in me through the family drama, even though he wasn’t capable of standing up to anyone. He wasn’t able to stand up for me – and it took me a long time to forgive him for that. I was angry about that for a long time. Now my anger lies in him leaving me behind. I know it’s not his fault – he didn’t know he would die, but I still can’t help feeling the pain of him leaving me.

I often wonder if he is up there somewhere, maybe in Heaven,even though I’m not sure I believe in such a thing anymore, looking down on me and seeing what I am going through. If he’s looking down and saying, “I’m so sorry you feel so alone. I’m sorry I left.”  Damn, I miss him!  I just want him to take my hand and wrap me in a hug and tell me everything will be okay. And I wish I could tell him how sorry I am too. Oh, how I wish…

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3 thoughts on “Missing My Father

  1. I ‘like’ in that I relate, not liking the sadness of loss and missing someone so much.
    I used to visit Mom’s place of rest and sometimes plant a bulb or bring a wreath. It offered some comfort until enough years passed and the grief lessened. Now the need is less and I haven’t been in a long while.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope the passing of time does help. I have been to my father’s resting place twice since he died, once just before we moved away, and the second time when we went back to visit friends – I went and had coffee with him and stuck a tiny “I love you” note in his flowers. I thought it would be the last time but now with my son’s wedding in a month, I will have coffee with my dad one last time, as I don’t think we will ever have reason to return again. After that, he will just always be in my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

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