Binge Eating Disorder

It has been well-publicized that many survivors of childhood sexual abuse develop eating disorders – mine is B.E.D. – Binge Eating Disorder. I am an emotional/stress eater, which means my weight, and therefore my self-esteem, has been up and down my entire life. I eat when I am happy, sad, angry, anxious – you get the point. And it’s never healthy food but rather the bad for you but comforting foods. Here’s where the real problem comes in – once I start eating, I can’t stop. I can easily down over 3000 calories in half an hour. I’m never hungry during these binges – I’m not sure what drives them other than stressful or emotional moments.  When the binge ends, I hate myself for it. It is always done when I am alone at home or in my car, where no one can witness it.

My lovely son once told me “just don’t eat it”.  I looked at him in shock for being so insensitive, even though I’m sure he didn’t know it’s a real thing. So once again in my life, I am going through something the most people don’t at all understand. Hell, I don’t even understand it!  I will do really well for a while and then BOOM – day after day out of control. Needless to say, this wedding coming up has sent me over the edge with this. Each new morning I think, “Okay, today will be different; I can control it, I have the will power!” – only to disappoint myself yet again. It’s a terrible battle.

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11 thoughts on “Binge Eating Disorder

  1. I can’t understand exactly where you’re coming from, because my problem is the opposite. I can’t eat when I’m stressed or anxious. I can’t eat for countless reasons. I’ve had people try to bribe or coerce me so I’d eat. They act like it’s just so easy, but it’s not that easy. It’s never that easy. Sometimes food is just a battle, no matter which end you’re on.

    I hate that there’s so much of a stigma about eating disorders. Everyone assumes that it’s a choice, that it’s intentional. All we have to do is choose something different. It’s not that easy. It’s not a choice. It’s a battle with what seems like our very nature.

    Though, got to say, never knew there was a link between eating disorders and childhood sexual abuse. That explains so much. Thank you for sharing that.

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    1. Even though our problems are opposite, I think we can easily understand each other – we understand the base issue and the emotional turmoil behind it. And you’re right – food is so very much a battle. For me, people telling you to eat is like people tell me to just not eat. If they could only hear themselves! It’s so insensitive to people who truly are struggling. I’m sure deep inside you wish you could eat just like I wish I could stop eating – but making that happen is an emotional and psychological block. I hope you know that there are those of us out there that totally understand and we are standing right beside you! HUGS my dear!

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  2. That has been my life since age 8. I’ll do better tomorrow. I went from a the usual skinny kid frame to ballooning up and out as if shot full of air. Today while walking, it once again struck me, if you don’t love yourself fat, you won’t love yourself thin. And for me that is true. I have this body that’s been overweight on and off, mostly on, since childhood. It’s time I love it, and all of me, as I am. Puffy and all. So I feed myself the best I can, even if it tends to be too much ever liking that ‘full’ feeling, exercise by walking and biking, and continue to confront negative talk. And pump as much as I can out of every day.
    There may be a substantial psychological component that I don’t understand, about largeness and safety, but I believe I can learn about power in other ways than keeping a bigger body.
    And part of the eating is the ‘I hate myself’ cycle after. As if that provides comfort only in that I am used to that pain, compared to whatever pain drove me to eat.
    So many different factors are involved….Try to temper the episodes with gentleness, self-acceptance and kindness. I believe the answers lie in that.
    I keep working at it!

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  3. I too have BED. I don’t feel like writing about it right now, but I do. I understand. I get it. You can’t just not eat something when you’re in that place. My thoughts are with you on this… hugs….

    Liked by 1 person

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