It has been well-publicized that many survivors of childhood sexual abuse develop eating disorders – mine is B.E.D. – Binge Eating Disorder. I am an emotional/stress eater, which means my weight, and therefore my self-esteem, has been up and down my entire life. I eat when I am happy, sad, angry, anxious – you get the point. And it’s never healthy food but rather the bad for you but comforting foods. Here’s where the real problem comes in – once I start eating, I can’t stop. I can easily down over 3000 calories in half an hour. I’m never hungry during these binges – I’m not sure what drives them other than stressful or emotional moments. When the binge ends, I hate myself for it. It is always done when I am alone at home or in my car, where no one can witness it.
My lovely son once told me “just don’t eat it”. I looked at him in shock for being so insensitive, even though I’m sure he didn’t know it’s a real thing. So once again in my life, I am going through something the most people don’t at all understand. Hell, I don’t even understand it! I will do really well for a while and then BOOM – day after day out of control. Needless to say, this wedding coming up has sent me over the edge with this. Each new morning I think, “Okay, today will be different; I can control it, I have the will power!” – only to disappoint myself yet again. It’s a terrible battle.