Am I Lying To Myself?

This post is one of a sudden realization – have I been lying to myself?  I have been happy for a while now, not perfectly happy but happy with where I am at and what my life has become.  I have a certain acceptance of the estrangements in my life.  I have lost weight and become healthier.  With my sons’ wedding approaching, I know I will see him and the rest of my family – I will be faced with everything they did to me –  faced with the lies and what they think of me –  I thought I had it all under control. But as that wedding draws ever-so-near, I find myself binge eating and drinking alcohol to numb the anxiety.  My dreams have become nightmares, occurring nightly – my family rejecting me over and over again.  Stress is weighing on my health and my body. This all tells me that I do not have it under control – I just haven’t been faced with it like I will be at this wedding. I guess the alcohol, more than anything, brings true feelings to the surface. I hope I have the strength to make it through this. And if my sisters have found this blog and take joy from this post, then it just proves the monsters they have become.

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12 thoughts on “Am I Lying To Myself?

  1. Try to enjoy the day and concentrate on your son and his festivities, making them happy memories. Though controlling others is impossible, controlling oneself is doable though also very hard. I tend to leave myself, absorbing others energies and too often misinterpreting them negatively. On my way to my son’s wedding in Vermont, two states away, I almost constantly envisioned carrying a very heavy backpack full of heavy rocks that I took off each shoulder and let drop to the ground. With my mind, that tends to go over worries repeatedly, like a rat in a wheel, I had to envision letting go of them almost the entire ride there. It was work!
    I was able to concentrate on what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to be, despite the behaviors of anyone else. It was hard, but I feel proud that I did what we came to do. Help them decorate the outdoor area the day before, be cordial, danced the Mom and Son dance with a smile and connecting with my son, and soaking it all in. I didn’t fair so well with my first son’s wedding, but was determined to do so the second time around. Crowds of people I don’t know intimidate me, and especially ‘family’… but with determination it can be done. Just try to keep in mind that at the end of day you want to feel good about how you did, and how you acted. Others have to live with own behaviors. So smile! And try to enjoy each moment that you can in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable. (I hung out in the separate outdoor bar area where only a few people were so was able to have more focused conversations. I had distance from where the action was with dancing and so many people packed in one place) Just smile, be cordial, and figure it all out later.

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    1. Wow – it would seem that you and I have a lot in common! I will keep all this in mind when I go. The truth is, I DO feel confident in who I am and how I will be – there are just days or moments when the negative thoughts and anxieties try to break through. And not knowing any of the details of the wedding is what is producing the anxieties – will I be seated as his mom? Will I be in the photographs? Will I be seated with my family or strangers? Is there dancing and will I be the one he dances with or will he choose his step-mom? Even if it was bad news, I would rather just know ahead of time, you know? So far, he has not provided me with any details even though I have asked.

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      1. Yes. Knowing sure would be nice. But even if I’d known more fully about my own son’s plans, the nervousness around a large crowd of people would have still been there for me. Hope you can find some pockets of space to allow calm moments where you can soak it all in…eat the cake so to speak! I didn’t do any of that the first time around..too uptight about just everything, none of which I needed to be. Hope you can!

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  2. What kind of plan can you make ahead of time to soothe the intense feelings that will no doubt come up at the wedding? Can you bring something tangible with you, something small in your purse like a polished stone, that you can touch and have it remind you that you know your own reality, even if your family does not acknowledge it? Or little notes to yourself? I made cards for myself before going to California and seeing my dad. Not perfect, but somewhat helpful.

    It sounds very stressful. I wish you the best.

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    1. Well, my hubby will be with me – he is my rock. The thing is, once I am there, I think I will be okay after the initial greeting of everyone. It’s so easy to get used to being so far removed when I now live so far away from everything and everyone. The anxiety is coming from being thrown back in all at once. How was your trip you speak of?

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      1. It was tense in places but also good in places. I have so many mixed feelings about my father but this was the first trip where I was determined to not disown my own experience just because I was with him. And though it wasn’t always smooth, I did manage to hang on to my own truth.

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