The wedding is getting closer, about 6 weeks away. With the anxiety I feel, you would think it was tomorrow! I’m not afraid, just apprehensive. I will be entering the lion’s den – seeing so many people I haven’t seen in years, some of whom I never wanted to see again, most of whom believe terrible things about me that aren’t even true – my son and his bride, my mom, my brother, my evil sisters, my grown niece and nephews, my Ex and his family, the bride’s family and others. It’s a good thing I have grown stronger over the years because it is going to take all the strength I have to get through the weekend. It’s at times like this that I really wish my father was still alive. He’s the only one I would want to see – the only one I’d feel safe around. I know that sounds crazy considering our history but my father really did turn his life around and become a different, better man.
I have repeatedly asked my son and his fiance for details about the wedding weekend. I want to at least have a clue as to what to expect. He hasn’t really answered my questions though. As of now, I have no idea of any of the activities or timelines. I don’t even know if I will be treated like his mother or just a guest. Will I be seated and treated as his mother? Will I be in the wedding photos? I’m pretty much his fourth mother – his step-mother is #1, my sisters #2 and #3 – and then me I guess, the “biological” mother – that’s what I feel I have been reduced to. I don’t know what my place is at this wedding and it’s a terrible feeling. You would think after our Skype “semi-reconnection” that he would have least started giving me information about the wedding, but no.
In trying to plan the trip, needing to get the calendar dates and book the flight, I messaged my son and asked when my presence was requested. I was looking for specifics – what was happening and when, was there a rehearsal dinner, any event before or after the actual wedding day, etc. Okay, I didn’t word it that way to him but I did ask when they wanted me there; I kind of thought it was implied. But, as of now, I had no clue if they want me there for just the wedding or for anything else as well. This is what I received back from my son: “[The fiance] said that we will be doing set up the Thursday and Friday before. If you would like to fly in and help out you can.” How do I even describe how that made me feel? First, we can’t fly in that early. Second – it felt like he said it out of obligation or something. ‘If you want to.” It would have been totally different if he had said that he would like to have me there early, but no – I got “if you want to.” We barely speak for 5 years, but hey mom, we’ll put you to work and you can help set up – that’s what it feels like. Aaarrgghhh! I guess it is too much to expect him to actually want to see me and spend a little time with me. He also didn’t answer anything about the details of the wedding, so I will be walking in blind with no idea as to what to expect.
I have contemplated what it will be like to see everyone who hurt me and to see them all at once. I think I have accepted that anything could happen, both good and bad. I would like to think that I am prepared for both. I can’t imagine what it will be like being in the same room with my son and the people who helped take him from me. I feel like every move I make, every expression on my face, will be watched and scrutinized. I think the hardest thing will be in knowing that they are all thinking bad of me and that none of it is true. I can’t control that though. All I can do is be true to myself and who I am. I can live with myself – can they say the same? Probably – but only because they can’t be honest with themselves.