“I’m dying inside but no one knows,
barely a soul is aware.
The pain – each tear, my overwhelming fear,
not a person I love even cares.
With every cry gone unheard,
I bury myself deeper within.
No one knows me, sees me, hears me,
the tragic destiny I’ve been given.
I try to speak, to let others in
but a harsh reality hits me every day.
Words – they fail me, ultimately break me,
a heart ripped open, my soul beaten away.
When all is lost and lonely sets in,
how can real healing ever begin?”
I wrote that poem about 3 years ago. I read it now and can see how far I have come. The truth is, in my case, I had to save myself. Almost everyone in my life had abandoned me and I had reached a point of wanting to die but I knew I could never take my own life. I guess in it’s truest form – I didn’t want to kill myself but I also didn’t want to live. I found myself often hoping that a car would just take me out, that something or someone would just take me out and take care of it for me. That was my lowest point.
It was at that point that I somehow made a life-changing decision – a decision to save myself. I don’t know how I was able to do that rather than spiraling further down and possibly ending up at suicides’ door. There was just something in me that couldn’t do it anymore. It was “get busy living or get busy dying” time (Shawshank Redemption). I had lost so much of myself and I had to get it back. It was time to build my life back up. I started getting back into things that made me, me. I started singing in a band. I started making and selling jewelry. I took the steps to start getting into better shape and improving my health. It was a slow process, but the more I got pieces of myself back, the better I started to feel. After it all, I didn’t let them take me down – I didn’t let them break me! And my choice not to die saved the friends and family I did love from a pain they didn’t deserve.
The more I got my life back, the less I started caring about my family and what they had done to me. It will forever be with me, how could it not? But I was growing into my own person separate from all that. The road ahead would not be easy and without pain, but I would handle it better. I can’t change them – I can’t change what they did to or what they will continue to try to do to me. I have no control over the actions and intentions of bad people. What I do have control over is what I say and do and how I react, of the type of person I am. Maybe I have finally found acceptance of how things were and how they are. Maybe time really does bring healing. Forgetting is not possible, neither is forgiving, but healing does begin. What I learned is that you can’t wait for someone else to save you – we have to save ourselves.