You would think that after 30-or-so years, I would have already experienced all the effects of childhood sexual abuse and PTSD. However, two new symptoms have recently surfaced and both were in response to my brother’s post on Facebook (see my post: “A Step Backwards in Healing” earlier this month). His post completely negated what he did to me and it made me feel so insignificant, like what he did to me didn’t matter, and as long as his life is great, everything is right in the world.
It may seem so small in the scheme of things that I have been through, but his post really tripped me up. I became so angry and the rage began to swell. I didn’t know what to do with it – it was stronger than any I have felt before. I found myself alone in my bedroom as I suddenly started pounding my hip over and over again with my fist. I stopped myself as soon as I realized what I was doing but my hip would be bruised for a week. This is not normal for me and took me by surprise.
At the same time, I kind of stopped eating. My weight has been up and down my whole life but I have never starved myself; if anything, I’m a binge eater. I’m actually at a healthy weight right now but after my brother’s post, something happened – I don’t eat all day now except for some coffee with a little soy milk and then I eat a light dinner with my hubby. My husband doesn’t know about either incident; I don’t know how to share it with him. He knows about everything that has happened to me but I can tell he doesn’t understand the true implications of it all. How can you though unless you’ve been through it?
The hip incident was a one-time thing I’m sure, but the not eating – I’m having a hard time stopping that and I don’t understand why. In the past, at heavier weights, I would TRY to eat this little and could never succeed at it. So why now? I think it’s clear that the emotional hit triggered it, but how do I stop? It’s tough to know that I have come so far, am at a fairly good place in my life, and yet my abuser can still affect me.